“Your Mom is Unresponsive”

Sam Cook (author) upset after receiving an upsetting phone call about her mother who suffers from dementia.

I haven’t posted any content in a hot minute.
Why?
It’s been the last thing on my mind.
I’m about to get real and honest with you.
- - -
Saturday, Oct 22nd at 8:30am.
Phone rings. 

Sam: "Hello?" 

Nurse: "Hi Sam. This is the nurse from your Mom's long-term care home." 

S:  *cheery voice* "Oh hello, good morning!" 

N:  "Sam, we're going to have to go ahead and call 911 for your Mom right now." 

S:  . . . 

N:  "Sam?  Did you hear me?  We are going to have to call 911 for your Mom.  She is unresponsive.  We can't wake her up." 

S:  . . . "Um, no thank you" 

N:  "OK Sam.  Do you understand?  Your Mom is unresponsive." 

S:  "Um, yes,"  *brain is trying to figure out if phone call is a dream.*
"OK, I understand.  Ummm ... are you doing CPR?" 

N:  "She doesn't need it at the moment but I do need to hang up and call 911.  Please contact your Dad.  I will call you back with more details. 

S: . . . "Yes.  Bye." 

*cilck* 

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In that moment, the world went silent.  
My ears began to ring. My body froze. 
A single tear drop rolled down my face and as it landed on the floor I could actually hear it hit the hardwood. 
All I could hear was the word "unresponsive" over and over in my head. 

It felt like 30 minutes had passed, but in reality it was more like 30 seconds. 

O.M.G.  I now needed to call my Dad to let him know that his wife of 55 years was unresponsive and they can't wake her up. What do I say to him?  How do I break the news?  Do I tell him all will be OK? 

Then I remembered a piece of advice my aunt gave me, "tell him the truth".  So, I did. 

Hearing the devastation in his voice immediately changed my demeanor. My own personal feelings needed to be put aside and my main priority was to make sure Dad could get through this and to let him know he's not alone.  

We arrived at the hospital just as the paramedics were taking Mom inside. On the outside, I looked like I was in control.  On the inside, I was LOSING IT.  Truth be told, I really didn't want Mom to be treated at a hospital. I had heard rumours of seniors being left in the hallways on stretchers in busy ERs and stories of doctors treating other patients first and leaving seniors untreated for days - as if their lives were not as important - especially those with dementia. I was SO scared. I needed someone to help my Mom ... and fast. I wasn't sure what to expect once we walked into the Emerg department but here's the truth about what happened. 

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The staff could tell we were in distress looking for a loved one. Two friendly paramedics let us know that they had picked up Mom from her LTC home and were just getting her set up in a room. I was expecting to see her in a hallway somewhere but that was not the case.  

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Mom's eyes were closed.  Dad and I begged her to open her eyes.  Nothing.  We knew this was probably going to take at least 12 hours before she was even seen by a doctor, so we stood by her bedside and waited patiently. 

To my surprise, within 20 minutes both a nurse AND a doctor came to see Mom.  The nurse carefully started testing Mom's vitals while the doctor asked us about her dementia.  "We'll run a few tests to see what the problem is" ... then he left - only to return 2 minutes later with chairs for Dad and I.  Was this doctor busy? YES, but he still took an extra 60 seconds to show compassion for two clearly devastated family members.  

As the doctor left the room, I noticed Mom had on a thin blue ER gown and an even thinner bedsheet, so I left in search of a blanket.  All staff were assisting other patients.  However, I saw a nurse behind the plexiglass of the ER furiously typing away.  I cleared my throat and nervously asked for a spare blanket.  To my surprise, she jumped right up and not only brought Mom a heated blanked, but tucked her in. 

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The horror stories of busy hospitals is enough to keep you up at night – and while this hospital was no different, it was the staff that impressed me.  Through the beeps, the buzzing and a “code white” (not sure what that is but everyone went running – including security) the doctors and nurses did their best to ensure no patient was left behind.  While our healthcare experience may differ from others, it was nice to know that they did everything they could to try to diagnose and treat my Mom.     

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I do believe that some people with dementia can still comprehend what's going on. There have been many times I have asked my Mom, "Are you having a good day?" and she will respond, "yes".  In our family that is a HUGE deal.  Some people tell us that she is just saying words.  We believe deep down, she understands. 

After a lot of prayers, I grabbed one of her hands from under her heated blanket and said, "Mom, please be OK" - and all of a sudden I felt her scratch the inside of my hand.  OMG, Dad and I were so happy.  Then about 30 minutes after that – SHE OPENED HER EYES.

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In under 8 hours, she received a diagnosis and was back "home" to recover.  A few people have asked, “what exactly happened to your Mom?”  Honestly, we are unsure.  The experts say either a seizure or a mini stoke.

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It's been a few weeks and Mom is getting a little stronger every day, thanks to the BEST staff working in long-term care today.  Our hope is that she will still be able to walk…only time will tell. 

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To Nurse P at the long-term care home - thank you helping Mom in her time of need and for delivering such upsetting news to me in both a professional, yet compassionate tone. 

To Dr. Ian, Nurse Michelle and the other ER staff who acted fast to help my Mom - thank you.  Thank you for treating her with respect, compassion and dignity, especially considering she has dementia. 

A special thanks to RPN D at Mom's long-term care home who dropped everything to make sure my Mom was comfortable. Even with the shortage of staff, you went above and beyond your normal duties and I just want you to know that I appreciate you. 

And to the staff at my Mom's long-term care home who have been taking extra good care of her since she returned home, you truly are the best.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

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To those who chose to work in the healthcare field:  We know you are trying your best to treat each person the way you would treat your own family member.  We see the look of exhaustion in your eyes, while you push forward to help the next patient.  We see the way people talk to you and treat you for unthinkable wait times – like it’s YOUR fault – when it’s clearly not.  We see that you’ve given up spending time with your little ones to work a double shift to help someone else’s family, other than you own.  We also see the lack of sleep, lack of time to eat your lunch and the lack of respect you so rightly deserve. 

I am so grateful to those who choose to help others for a living.  I know your job is hard and that you’re over-worked and under-paid.  Know that I see you, I appreciate you and I thank you. 

Sincerely,
Sam
xoxoxo